


You may now Finger Guns Emoji at the Bride

by RosieSugar



Category: Persona 5, persona - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Group Chat Fic, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Weddings, chat fic, please dont be mad at me if the characterization is off i havent finished p5 quite yet, slight p5 spoilers, this takes place post spaceport pre casino
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-12-12 15:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11739576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosieSugar/pseuds/RosieSugar
Summary: In order to stop her friend from starving due to bad budgeting habits, Haru comes up with a rather unorthodox plan to help Yusuke get back on his feet; and this plan may or may not involve getting legally married over a group chat.





	1. It all Started with a Crepe Stand

**Akira Kurusu** : Hey @arthoe did I just see you staring ominously at a crepe stand down town

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : That was me, yes.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Also, Futaba I know I have asked you this before but please change my username back.

**Futaba Sakura** : shut up art hoe

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : wtf I passed the crepe stand like an hour ago and I saw Yusuke there then too

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke how long have you been staring at crepes

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Time is a concept.

**Futaba Sakura** : see this is why ur art hoe

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke I love you but I swear to god your artistic vagueing is going to kill me

**Ann Takamaki** : is it possible that yusuke was just hungry

**Ann Takamaki** : i mean, he pretty much always is

**Futaba Sakura** : hungry boy

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : If you really must know, yes, I was hungry but I had found there was no money in my wallet.

**Futaba Sakura** : a lanky hungry broke boy

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : what the eff

**Akira Kurusu** : WHy stare at the crepes then

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I find that staring at food can substitute eating.

**Akira Kurusu** : NO IT CANT

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : THATS NOT HEALTHY BRO

**Akira Kurusu** : I LITERALLY LIVE IN A RESTAURANT LET ME COOK FOR YOU

**Futaba Sakura** : self care is not starving to death

**Haru Okumura** : I’m sorry to interrupt, but I could probably lend you some money, Yusuke. I don’t want you to get sick from not eating!

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : That is kind of you to offer but it would not feel right for me to accept.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : Yusuke you know Harus effin rich right

**Ann Takamaki** : shes sooooo fucking rich

**Futaba Sakura** : she could buy you

**Haru Okumura** : Yes I am very rich !

**Haru Okumura** : And I would be more than happy to take you grocery shopping or something like that.

**Haru Okumura** : Or at least let me give you some vegetables from my garden.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Like I said before I can’t accept. It feels wrong to borrow money from a friend like this.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Now if you'll excuse me, I can hear the canvas calling.

**Yusuke Kitagawa (@arthoe)** is offline

**Futaba Sakura** : art hoe...

**Ann Takamaki** : u know he has a point

**Ann Takamaki** : @captainkek pay up bitch

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : WE WERE SIX

**Akira Kurusu** : Hey Haru if it makes you feel any better Ive been dating him for almost half a year and I cant pay him to eat either

**Haru Okumura** : But I’m worried.

**Haru Okumura** : He is my friend and I care about my friends very much!

**Akira Kurusu** : “Hes been like that since we adopted him” -Morgana

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : dude. does your cat really read all your texts

**Akira Kurusu** : Yes

**Akira Kurusu** : “I’m a cat when you wanna be sarcastic and I’m a car when you wanna blame something on me. Make up your mind dipshit” -Morgana

**Akira Kurusu** : “WAIT DON’T TYPE THAT” -Morgana

**Akira Kurusu** : bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa@@@@@@@@@

**Ann Takamaki** : -Morgana?

**Akira Kurusu** : He sat on my phone.

**Makoto Nijima (@truthonwheels)** is online

**Makoto Nijima** : Sorry I’m late

**Haru Okumura** : Good afternoon Mako-chan !

**Makoto Nijima** : To you too, Haru

**Makoto Nijima** : What did Yusuke do this time?

**Futaba Sakura** : hes being our token broke art friend

**Ann Takamaki** : he spent all his money on paint or smth again and didnt have food money

**Makoto Nijima** : Again?

**Haru Okumura** : And he won’t accept money or vegetables from me.

**Makoto Nijima** : I hate to say it but if he won’t accept help or vegetables there isn’t very much we can do

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : hey akira maybe if you marry him he can mooch off of you

**Akira Kurusu** : It's not like I have much money either, I have to pay the punkrocktor to get items to stop Ryuji from dying all the time

**Haru Okumura** : Punk...Rocktor….?

**Futaba Sakura** : sketchy doctor lady who gives us drugs for thieven’

**Akira Kurusu** : Also I had to quit my job before the boss realized I was sneaking my cat in all the time.

**Makoto Nijima** : Fair enough

**Ann Takamaki** : looks like we’re out of options :/ do u think maybe goemon can talk him into eating

**Futaba Sakura** : _I Am Thou, Thou Art Hungry, Eat A Cliff Bar Before Thou Fucking Dies_

**Haru Okumura** : It's a shame, though. That there's nothing we can do.

**Makoto Nijima** : You’re sweet to worry about him Haru. But I’m sure he’ll be ok

**Haru Okumura** : Thank you Mako-chan. I really am lucky to have you.

**Haru Okumura** : wait

**Makoto Nijima** : ?

**Haru Okumura** : Ah I’m sorry but please excuse me I believe I may have thought of something !

**Haru Okumura (@oneforall)** is offline

**Makoto Nijima** : ????

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : wow Makoto what did you even do

**Makoto Nijima** : I’m not quite sure ???

**Akira Kurusu** : Apparently she believes she may have thought of something

**Ann Takamaki** : go figure


	2. Will you Marry Me? (And Immediately get a Divorce)

**Haru Okumura (@oneforall)** has opened a chatroom with **Yusuke Kitagawa (@arthoe)**

  **Haru Okumura** : Sorry to distract you from your painting Yusuke, but I have a proposition.

 **Haru Okumura** : Yusuke?

 **Haru Okumura** : Yusuke !

 **Haru Okumura** : Lobsters.

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Ah hello Haru. Forgive me, I did not notice your messages.

 **Haru Okumura** : Ah.. it actually worked..

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : There was something you wished to speak to me about?

 **Haru Okumura** : Oh yes ! I was thinking about how you said you didn’t feel right borrowing money from a friend and it got me wondering if you would borrow money from a spouse instead.

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Yes, that would most likely be the case.

 **Haru Okumura** : But you don’t let Akira lend you money either?

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : We are not married.

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Even if we were I probably wouldn’t accept money from him anyway, as he needs to spend it on tools to better our expeditions into the human cognition.

 **Haru Okumura** : I see..

 **Haru Okumura** : Alright, here's my idea, and you can say no if it makes you uncomfortable

 **Haru Okumura** : What if we got married?

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Excuse me?

 **Haru Okumura** : I’m sorry I probably shouldn’t have lead with that !

 **Haru Okumura** : I have… quite a bit of money from my father. And if you married me you would marry into my money as well. That way, it would be as if it was your money in the first place.

 **Haru Okumura** : If you’d like you could start by getting the amount of art supplies you need, but mostly I’m hoping this would be a way you could go grocery shopping and not have to worry about a tight budget. You could stock up on food and you wouldn’t go hungry for a while at least!

 **Haru Okumura** : Then when we’re all done we can stage a fight and get a divorce and you would probably walk away with some money as well. We would probably be “married” for about half of a week at most !

 **Haru Okumura** : It's just an idea though and like I said before we can forget I ever said anything if it makes you uncomfortable.

 **Haru Okumura** : So, what are your thoughts?

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : I have to admit it sounds like an advantageous plan.

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Are you sure you would be willing to go through with it though?

 **Haru Okumura** : I would much rather marry my friend for a week than be forced to marry someone who I dislike and who dislikes me.

 **Haru Okumura** : Also, I don’t want to see you get hurt because you are unable to buy food. I would do this for any of my friends, and you are my friend !

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : If I were to say yes, what would you want in return?

 **Haru Okumura** : Perhaps you could paint me a nice picture of my garden?

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : An interesting concept…

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Ah, I am beginning to see it: a painting of a new bride's garden, the flowers blooming anew as the young woman enters a new chapter in her life like a blossom herself.

 **Haru Okumura** : I was thinking just a simple painting of my plants but if that makes you want to paint I say go for it !

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Well then, I suppose we have a deal. Let us get married and move forward with your plan.

 **Haru Okumura** : Excellent ! I’m very glad !

 **Haru Okumura** : But we should probably tell the group about it before we continue. I’m not quite sure how Mako-chan would react to me getting married without telling her.

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : I’m sure Akira would be equally surprised about my spontaneous betrothal.

 **Haru Okumura** : They’d never see it coming….

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : Shall we detour in our plan to tell our friends about it ?

 **Haru Okumura** : Yes, I think that would be wise.

 **Haru Okumura** : Sorry to be repetitive but thank you very much for letting me help you

 **Yusuke Kitagawa** : No apology necessary. Although it is a rather unorthodox way of approaching my issue I think it will be an interesting journey.

 **Haru Okumura** : It certainly will be !

  **Haru Okumura** **(@oneforall)** has closed the chat room

 


	3. Are Those Wedding Bells? No, Just Morgana Screaming

**Haru Okumura** : At the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, in the warm California sun

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : ?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : BOARDWALK

**Ann Takamaki** : BOARDWLAK

**Futaba Sakura** : _BOARDWALK!!!_

**Akira Kurusu: BO** ARDWALK

**Makoto Nijima** : Boardwalk

**Haru Okumura** : Ah good, everyone's online !

**Akira Kurusu** : We boardwalked in vain…

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Actually, Haru and I had something we needed to tell you all.

**Haru Okumura** : Yes that's right ! Yusuke and I have come up with a plan to help him with his money issue. And while it is a little strange, I hope you will all bear with us.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : what are you gonna get married or smth

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : ….!

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : what was I right

**Haru Okumura** : Actually…

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : HOLY SHIT WHAT

**Makoto Nijima** : Haru???

**Akira Kurusu** : YUSUKE.

**Futaba Sakura** : relax it's so yusuke marries into harus money and they can go on a costco run then get a divorce

**Futaba Sakura** : or something along those lines, right ?

**Ann Takamaki** : what the fuck is a costco

**Haru Okumura** : That actually is it exactly, how did you know?

**Futaba Sakura** : i read everyones chatrooms it's fun

**Futaba Sakura** : btw akira you send yusuke a whoooooooooooooole lotta nudes

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : wtf he never send me any

**Akira Kurusu** : Hey I send him those for art refs so he doesn’t have to ask strangers to pose nude

**Futaba Sakura** : sure jan

**Ann Takamaki** : sure Jan

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Sure Jannet.

**Makoto Nijima** : How long would you two be married?

**Haru Okumura** : Most likely about half a week, give or take a day.

**Haru Okumura** : Then we’ll stage a fight and get a divorce.

**Makoto Nijima** : I see…

**Haru Okumura** : But it would be completely platonic ! Maybe think of it as two friends becoming better friends ?

**Futaba Sakura** : whats better than this just friends being bros being a married couple

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : would that mean you would join in….

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : We understand that it is a really strange idea and not everyone will support it at first.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : HOLY MATRI-BRO-NY

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : YSUUKE GOD DAMMIT

**Makoto Nijima** : I’m not quite sure how to feel about this..

**Makoto Nijima** : What do you think, Akira?

**Akira Kurusu:**

     This is nuts

     YUSUKE WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

** >I kinda wanna see how this will play out**

**Futaba Sakura** : he wrote dialogue options….

**Akira Kurusu** : Well I mean if it's going to better Yusuke’s health and well being I support it. He’s my boyfriend and I love him and you can’t really date a corpse.

**Futaba Sakura** : well _technically_ -

**Akira Kurusu** : Futaba for the third time I’m not going to date a dead body.

**Haru Okumura** : Mako-chan, why don’t you help with our staged pre-divorce fight?

**Makoto Nijima** : I suppose..

**Makoto Nijima** : If it really is only for half a week and just to help a friend I guess it's alright..

**Haru Okumura** : Ah thank you Mako-chan !

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Neither of us have parents. Makoto, Akira, would you two please give us your blessing?

**Ann Takamaki** : he’s traditional as always

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : since when is Akira your dad

**Haru Okumura** : I’m older than him…

**Akira Kurusu** : Hey if Yusuke wants my blessing you’ve got it

**Makoto Nijima** : You have mine as well.

**Futaba Sakura** : this is starting to get kinda weird

**Haru Okumura** : I hate to admit it but I agree.

**Haru Okumura** : Which is ironic considering this was my idea… oh my..

**Haru Okumura** : I hope you’ll all forgive me for pushing this on all of you.

**Ann Takamaki** : ur just trying to help yusuke :)

**Ann Takamaki** : it's not ur fault he doesnt know how to budget

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Paint is important.

**Akira Kurusu** : What if paint is just a concept

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : **…..**

**Futaba Sakura** : critical hit !!

**Makoto Nijima** : I think we should focus on the plan so we can move on

**Makoto Nijima** : You two would need to fill out your Kon-In Todoke so hopefully you could get that done in a few days

**Makoto Nijima** : Then there's the ceremony. We’d need someone to officiate it

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : great you can do it

**Makoto Nijima** : Why me ?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : well like

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : youre the pope

**Makoto Nijima** : I am not the Pope.

**Makoto Nijima** : You are not a pirate, Haru is not a gatling gun, and I am not the Pope.

**Makoto Nijima** : However, I do know someone who is certified to officiate

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : And that is?

**Makoto Nijima** : You aren’t gonna like it.

**Akira Kurusu** : As long as it's not another mafia boss we should probably be fine

**Makoto Nijima** : It's Akechi

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : WBAT

**Haru Okumura** : The detective ??

**Futaba Sakura** : i knew he was A-SKETCHY guy

**Ann Takamaki** : wait how did you know he was certified :o

**Makoto Nijima** : Sis told me about an office party he attended. She drank a little too much wine, he legally married her to her briefcase. Lets just say the force almost lost a detective the next day

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : cant we go to someone else???

**Makoto Nijima** : I hate to admit it but Akechi is our safest bet. Someone our age would understand the circumstances more, and it's possible if we went to a professional they could be a corrupt adult and try to blackmail Haru with the threat of telling the press

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : It is possible that if information about this is leaked without context, the press could think that Haru was responsible for the…. Issue… with her father.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : They may claim that she resented him for putting her in an arranged marriage, and that once he was out of the picture she could freely marry someone else.

**Haru Okumura** : I hadn’t quite thought of that..

**Haru Okumura** : In that case, I agree that Akechi is the safest option.

**Makoto Nijima** : To further avoid the press it might be a good idea to not have a public ceremony

**Ann Takamaki** : why dont they get married over the groupchat???

**Makoto Nijima** : I don’t think theres any laws against it

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : but to do that we’d need to invite Akechi into our groupchat

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : our _phantom thieves_ groupchat

**Futaba Sakura** : I could proooobably mess with the app a little bit so new members cant see past messages

**Futaba Sakura** : then we’d just need to change the name of the chat and he’ll never know~

**Akira Kurusu** : I know some people who can sign the Kon-In Todoke so I can handle tonight that if youd like

**Makoto Nijima** : Are they trustworthy?

**Akira Kurusu** : Very.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : you know morgana doesnt count right

**Akira Kurusu** : Very.

**Akira Kurusu** : *Yeah

**Akira Kurusu** : “Even in cat years I’m not that old !!” -Morgana

**Haru Okumura** : If we could get Kon-In Todoke signed and filled out by tomorrow morning should we aim to have the ceremony tomorrow as well?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : That sounds wise.

**Mission Start!!**

**Days Until Wedding: 1**

 

**Futaba Sakura** : mwehehe

**Akira Kurusu** : Aaaaye its like the thing

**Makoto Nijima** : Aright.. Looks like this is happening..

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Thank you all for your cooperation.

**Haru Okumura** : I’ll fill out the Kon-In Todoke tonight. Akira, could you pick it up from my house to get the signatures ?

**Akira Kurusu** : “BED” -Morgana

**Akira Kurusu** : “IT'S LATE GO TO BED.” -Morgana

**Akira Kurusu** : I’ll sneak out and get the signatures dont worry

**Haru Okumura** : Well then, I’ll see you all tomorrow !

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I just realized some of the chapter didn't post for some reason, sorry for the confusion !


	4. A Detective? At my Wedding? (Its more likely than you Think)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the vows from http://www.seiyaku.com/seiyaku/vows/japanese.html  
> Also, the mentions of cups has to do with a Shinto wedding tradition called three three nine times or three times three which I believe has to do with drinking out of three cups of different sizes three times  
> While I have done some research I am in no way an expert on Japanese weddings so I apologize if some things are wrong and if anything is done disrespectfully please let me know and I'll change it right away !!

**Days Until Wedding: 0**

**Akira Kurusu** : Haru I dropped the Kon-In Todoke off at your house this morning did you get it

**Haru Okumura** : Yes, I submitted it as well.

**Haru Okumura** : But, um,  if you don’t mind me asking about a certain signature..

**Haru Okumura** : Who is “Lala Escargot”?

**Akira Kurusu** : A classy lady who I trust with my life

**Haru Okumura** : Alright..

**Makoto Nijima** : All thats left to do is to have the ceremony

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : and invite in Akechi

**Futaba Sakura** : the apps all squared away, he wont see nothin

**Makoto Nijima** : I’ll message him now

**Makoto Nijima (@truthonwheels)** is offline

**Ann Takamaki** : can we really do this without akechi finding out who we are

**Akira Kurusu** : We should be fine as long as we change the name of our group chat

**Akechi Goro (@justicefucker420)** has joined **The Phantom Hamburglars**

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : WE WEENT READY

**Ann Takamaki:** akechi we swear itsz not what it looks like !

**Akira Kurusu** : We’re law abiding citizens

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : DELETE THE CHAT QUICK

**Akira Kurusu** : The delete buttons gone ?

**Makoto Nijima (@truthonwheels)** is online

**Makoto Nijima** : Akechi said he is willing to join the group when we’re ready

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : TOO LATE?????????

**Makoto Nijima** : What is happening? Who is that ?

**Haru Okumura** :  ….Justice fucker?

**Ann Takamaki** : wait wtf

**Akira Kurusu** : Akechi please just forget what you saw

**Akechi Goro** : ...

**Akechi Goro** : _Buenos dias muchachalatas_

**Akira Kurusu** : The **what**

**Akechi Goro** : :3

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : The three mouth…

**Makoto Nijima** : Futaba.

**Futaba Sakura** : i literally cant believe you fell for that

**Futaba Sakura** : ryuji maybe but AKIRA

**Futaba Sakura** : ISNT THE GUY WORKING WITH THE POLICE WHY WOUKD HIS URL BE JUSTICE FUCKER 420 I'M DYUIGN

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : ?????????

**Makoto Nijima** : She made a fake account

**Ann Takamaki:** i think i almost had a heart attack :(

**Haru Okumura** : Well we simulated the worst case scenario.

**Makoto Nijima** : Are we all ready for the real thing, though?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : waitin isnt gonna make it any better

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I believe it would be wise to get it over with.

**Haru Okumura** : I agree!

**Akira Kurusu** : I guess we don’t need to prepare first

**Makoto Nijima** : I’ll invite him in then

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : WAIT WAIT WAIT

**Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** has changed the chat name to **Bible Study**

**Goro Akechi (@dreamdetective)** has joined **Bible Study**

**Ann Takamaki** : BIBLE STUDY

**Goro Akechi** : Hello everyone.

**Goro Akechi** : My, I had no idea you were a Bible Study group! You learn something new every day I suppose.

**Ann Takamaki** : yep we love the Bible and everything in it !!

**Goro Akechi** : How come it says I am in this chat twice?

**Goro Akechi** : “Justice fucker 420” ?

**Futaba Sakura** : whoops hhaha must be a virus or smth??

**Goro Akechi** : Ah..

**Makoto Nijima** : I hope I did an adequate job explaining the circumstances Akechi

**Goro Akechi** : Yes, your friends wish to get married to provide one with financial stability but are afraid to have a public ceremony due to privacy reasons

**Goro Akechi** : And who might I ask is the happy couple?

**Haru Okumura** : That would be Yusuke and I.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Indeed.

**Goro Akechi** : Oh it's you two, I have to admit that was a bit unexpected.

**Goro Akechi** : Also, Haru, I’m sorry about your father. I'm sure the news came as quite a shock. I take it thats why you would prefer a private ceremony

**Haru Okumura** : I appreciate your words !

**Goro Akechi** : Well at least you two can bond over your connection with the Phantom Thieves.

**Ann Takamaki** : hahhahahahahaha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????

**Goro Akechi** : They were both living with people whos hearts got changed, perhaps they can discuss similarities between the two cases to better figure out what the Phantom Thieves search for in a target.

**Futaba Sakura** : oooh see ann he meant their connections to PEOPLE who had something to do with th phantom thieves case !! no reason to freak out !

**Ann Takamaki** : lol silly me !! u know us models can be _sooo_ overdramatic !!!

**Haru Okumura** : Pardon my rudeness but could we continue?

**Goro Akechi** : Ah yes, I suppose you two would like to get it over with. Even though it is a wedding. A major event in your life.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : That is the case, yes.

**Goro Akechi** : Alright.

**Goro Akechi** : You’ll have to forgive me but I don’t know how to conduct a Christian ceremony.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : it's k they prolly wouldnt know how to do that kinda wedding either

**Goro Akechi** : But aren’t you a Bible Study group?

**Akira Kurusu** : Hey Yusuke do you have the three cups

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I have one.

**Goro Akechi** : Well then I suppose a Shinto style wedding is out as well.

**Haru Okumura** : Is it possible to be married with vows alone?

**Goro Akechi** : I suppose.

**Goro Akechi** : But you should do the cup ritual when you can.

**Futaba Sakura** : cups are veeeeeeeeeery important to weddings apparently

**Makoto Nijima** : Did… did my sister pour three cups of water into her briefcase?

**Goro Akechi** : Actually it was a glass of wine.

**Goro Akechi** : And it was on my shoes.  

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Does Haru have to pour wine on my shoes…?

**Goro Akechi** : Wine shoes is not a tradition.

**Futaba Sakura** : it should be

**Futaba Sakura** : fuck i’ll pour wine on inaris shoes if haru doesnt want to

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : You are not permitted anywhere near my shoes.

**Goro Akechi** : So vows.

**Goro Akechi** : Groom, Yusuke, you this woman marry and become her partner.

Will you in peaceful times, during sickness, this person love, this person respect, this person comfort, this person help, until death, do you promise to fulfil?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I, Yusuke, this woman marry and become her partner.

Will in peaceful times, during sickness, this persona love, this persona respect, this persona comfort, this persona help, until death, I promise to fulfil.

**Goro Akechi** : 1. You didn’t have to repeat it, a “yes” would suffice.

**Goro Akechi** : 2. You typed “persona” instead of “person”

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Autocorrect.

**Ann Takamaki** : hahahahahhaha persona what ??? yusuke thats so random hahahahahahha whats a persona

**Goro Akechi** : You must have typed persona a lot for autocorrect to change a fairly common word to it…

**Haru Okumura** : I, the bride Haru, this man marry and become his partner.

Will in peaceful times, during sickness, this person love, this person respect, this person comfort, this person help, until death, I promise to fulfill !!

**Goro Akechi** : You still dont have to repeat it!

**Goro Akechi** : Alright, by the power vested in me and recognized by the nation of Japan I now pronounce you husband and wife, even if you didn’t do the cup ceremony, which is traditional.

**Goro Akechi** : You may now kiss the bride.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I am in Shibuya.

**Haru Okumura** : I’m on the roof of a school Yusuke doesn’t go to.

**Goro Akechi** : Fine.

**Goro Akechi** : You may now finger guns emoji at the bride.

**Haru Okumura** :  

**Goro Akechi** : Yusuke is not the bride.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : 

  **Goro Akechi** : THAT IS THE WRONG EMOJI.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Emoticons confuse and mystify me.

**Goro Akechi** : Alright then.

**Goro Akechi** : You two are now married, I hope you enjoy your time together.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : GOD BLESS US ALL !!!!!!

**Futaba Sakura** : id throw rice but i dont wanna waste it on inari

**Makoto Nijima** : Thank you for assisting us Akechi

**Goro Akechi** : My pleasure.

**Goro Akechi** : Now if you excuse me I’m going to take my leave.

**Goro Akechi** : Don’t forget the cups.

  
**Goro Akechi(@dreamdetective)** has left **Bible Study**


	5. So you just got Married, now What

**Akira Kurusu** : “I see Lady Ann’s acting ability hasn’t changed” -Morgana

**Ann Takamaki** : WHY BIBLE STUDY

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : hey i thought it sounded like a believable teen groupchat name

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : like whats more believable than bible study!!

**Akira Kurusu** : Meme team supreme

**Ann Takamaki** : trash friends

**Haru Okumura** : Welcome to Chili’s.

**Futaba Sakura** : literally just a collection of emojis

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : ALRIGHT FINE

**Akira Kurusu** : So I just watched my boyfriend get married

**Akira Kurusu** : Mixed emotions all around

**Makoto Nijima** : I have to admit it's strange to think my girlfriend is married as well

**Haru Okumura** : I’m sorry Mako-chan, but it's to help a friend.

**Akira Kurusu** : Makoto we should get married out of spite

**Makoto Nijima** : Why??

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : hey wtf i thought we were gonna get married

**Akira Kurusu** : Shit youre right sorry Makoto my husband has spoken

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : eff yeah!!

**Futaba Sakura** : is everyone getting married now

**Futaba Sakura** : can i marry my computer??? I’ll get the cups!!

**Ann Takamaki** : ooh i should propose to shiho !!

**Makoto Nijima** : Pardon my language but what the fuck is happening

**Ann Takamaki** : oh btw is one of u gonna take the others last name while ur married

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I hadn’t thought of that.

**Haru Okumura** : Haru… Kitagawa?

**Akira Kurusu** : “Haru you’re better than this” -Morgana

**Ann Takamaki** : fuckign kitagawa foods

**Futaba Sakura** : WELCOME TO BROKE BOY BURGER OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY BECAUSE TIME IS A CONCEPT

**Ann Takamaki** : PLEASE

**Makoto Nijima** : In my opinion Yusuke Okumura sounds better

**Akira Kurusu** : “This is starting to get weird again” -Morgana

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : Yusuke Okumura has a lot of u’s

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke Kurusu has more.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : eff Ryuji Kurusu has less

**Akira Kurusu** : U matter more than any amount of u’s

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : holy shit man,,,

**Futaba Sakura** : haru wants to help a friend -> they get married -> anns acting almost gets us arrested -> “hey guys whos name has more u’s in it”

**Futaba Sakura** : wild day

**Akira Kurusu** : You dont understand Futaba you only have two

**Akira Kurusu** : Whoever has the most u’s is the alpha

**Ann Takamaki** : HEY THATS RIGGED AGAINST ME

**Ann Takamaki** : someone fight me for a’s

**Ann Takamaki** : makoto fight me for a’s

**Makoto Nijima** : I have less than you?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : Akira Kurusu and Haru Okumura have the same amount of u’s

**Akira Kurusu** : Haru, Shibuya Underground, 6 am, duel for new team leader

**Haru Okumura** : I will be sure to sharpen my shears beforehand this time !

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I have to admit I never thought I would  be in a situation to say this but please, do not fight my wife.

**Haru Okumura** : Oh, I forgot I’m a wife now.

**Haru Okumura** : Well, it should be time to start planning our half a week of marriage.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Agreed.

**Haru Okumura** : First of all, on the subject of grocery shopping, I heard about this lovely little super store. Adorable rural town near Okina city. I can’t quite remember the name of the store but the jingle gets stuck at my head.

**Haru Okumura** : Runes? Something along those lines.

**Futaba Sakura** : the place with the bear??? I heard the guy in the suit showed up naked one day

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Also, Haru, there has been something I have been contemplating.

**Haru Okumura** : Yes Yusuke?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Is it not traditional for a “couple” to live together while they are married?

**Haru Okumura** : You want to be roommates while we are married?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Purely due to it being traditional.

**Futaba Sakura** : how can you be traditional when you didnt even do THE THING WITH THE CUPS????

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : i think the only way yusuke would have enough cups is if he moved in with Haru

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I hate to admit it but that is the truth of the matter.

**Haru Okumura** : I don’t see why not, my house does have several guest rooms.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : wll if it's harus house those gotta be nice guest rooms right makoto?

**Makoto Nijima** : I wouldn’t know, I havent slept in one

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : havent you spent the night at Harus before????

**Haru Okumura** : If Mako-chan sleeps in the guest room, how are we supposed to cuddle?

**Makoto Nijima** : She speaks the truth

**Ann Takamaki** : god they wrote the fricken book on cute

**Futaba Sakura** : something heartwarming?????? in MY hell groupchat??????

**Haru Okumura** : But back to the point, if you would like to stay with me at my house for the next few days it should be fine!

**Haru Okumura** : However, there have been quite a few people coming in and out of my house ever since the eleventh; one of which I had hoped I wouldn’t have to see again…

**Haru Okumura** : It is possible you may have to hide or at least fib about the circumstances, for the most part during the day.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I will try to have very little presence, which should not be too difficult.

**Akira Kurusu** : Haru, did you mean that guy is still hanging around.

**Haru Okumura** : Regretfully, yes.

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke if you see him please punch him in the name of your temporary wife.

**Futaba Sakura** : that dicks already been kicked outta the ginger community so yeah just punch him in the teeth inari

**Haru Okumura** : I don’t think we need to fight him again in the real world, but that did make me smile!

**Haru Okumura** : And besides, if it ever becomes necessary to punch him I will happily do it myself.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Shall I punch him or not?

**Makoto Nijima** : Yusuke no

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke yes

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Understood.

**Haru Okumura** : I don’t think there should be anyone at my house tonight so you shouldn’t have any problem getting settled in.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Thank you, I will be swift.

**Futaba Sakura** : dont forget akechis warning

**Haru Okumura** : When Yusuke arrives I’ll get the cups out, I promise.

**Futaba Sakura** : good that way akechi wont climb out of your kitchen cabinet and arrest you while you sleep

**Ann Takamaki** : when did akechi become the boogie man

**Akira Kurusu** : Probably when he started trying to throw us in jail

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : Akechi surprise!

**Akira Kurusu** : Oh by the way Mishima found a target, is anyone up for Mementos today

**Haru Okumura** : Sounds fun!

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : we can think of this mementos visit as a wedding party or smth

**Futaba Sakura** : cheers to the happy couple! now lets mcfricken lose it in a train station!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a kinda filler (I wrote it in the car and couldn't focus super well)  
> Also, I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read this !! This is my first fic and it has almost 100 kudos and everyone has left such nice comments  
> Thank you everyone!!


	6. I, Boyfriend of your Husband, Would like to Thank you, Wife of my Boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the chapter being so late ! I'll try to update more on schedule in the future

**Akira Kurusu (@wakemeupgetmeup)** has opened a chatroom with  **Haru Okumura (@oneforall)**

**Akira Kurusu** : Hello Mrs.Okumura-Kitagawa

**Haru Okumura** : Hello!

**Haru Okumura** : That makes me sound kind of like someone's mother doesn’t it?

**Akira Kurusu** : It's distinguished

**Haru Okumura** : I suppose it is.

**Akira Kurusu** : So, ok how do I ask this

**Akira Kurusu** : Is Yusuke dead

**Haru Okumura** : No…?

**Haru Okumura** : Is this a trick question? Is death a concept?

**Akira Kurusu** : He hasn’t answered my messages in a couple days, I’m a little worried

**Akira Kurusu** : Did Akechi get him

**Haru Okumura** : Akechi can’t get him we did the cup ritual !

**Haru Okumura** : However, the truth of the matter is that Yusuke broke his phone on accident.

**Haru Okumura** : He… he dropped it from the balcony..

**Akira Kurusu** : What?? How

**Haru Okumura** : For someone who looks so fragile he moves very dramatically.

**Haru Okumura** : It flew out of his hand.

**Akira Kurusu** : I wanna be surprised but I’m actually not

**Haru Okumura** : We’re going to go see if we can get it fixed today though so don’t worry !

**Haru Okumura** : You and Yusuke have been together quite a while haven’t you?? I’m guessing you’ve seen him have his “Yusuke Moments” more than I ever have.

**Akira Kurusu** : Ryuji and I have a lot of fun Yusuke stories

**Akira Kurusu** : One time we all went to a trivia thing at a cafe for date night and Yusuke got an art history question wrong and he dropped to his knees and screamed at the sky

**Haru Okumura** : Oh my.

**Haru Okumura** : Ryuji likes trivia games?

**Akira Kurusu** : The one we went to had some topics he knew, it made him really happy to get a couple questions right and I swear to you when that boy smiles the room lights up

**Akira Kurusu** : It's weird though because when Yusuke smiles everything feels warm? What does it feel like to you when Makoto smiles

**Haru Okumura** : When Mako-chan smiles everything feels kind of floaty if that makes any sense?

**Akira Kurusu** : Aw

**Akira Kurusu** : You got that out of a manga didn’t you

**Haru Okumura** : That I did indeed.

**Haru Okumura** : But that doesn’t make it less true!

**Akira Kurusu** : Anyway how is everything going?

**Akira Kurusu** : Living with Yusuke-wise

**Haru Okumura** : It's going very well! He is an excellent houseguest that I can assure you!!

**Akira Kurusu** : What did he do

**Haru Okumura** : I can’t recall a thing!

**Akira Kurusu** : Haru.

**Haru Okumura** : He almost got stuck on the roof. 

**Akira Kurusu** : AGAIN

**Haru Okumura** : The night before last he asked me where the ladder was around three in the morning.

**Haru Okumura** : And I said that we didn’t keep one in the house because we don’t and I saw him walk past my room with a ladder about an hour later.

**Haru Okumura** : When morning came I couldn’t find him anywhere so I went about tending my garden and he was. Asleep on the roof.

**Haru Okumura** : He had a canvas but no other art supplies and the ladder was nowhere to be seen.

**Haru Okumura** : I nearly had to call the fire department.

**Haru Okumura** : Excuse me but did you say “again”?

**Akira Kurusu** : Thats a story for another day

**Akira Kurusu** : Is he ok?

**Haru Okumura** : He broke a nail but he's fine.

**Haru Okumura** : He is painting me a lovely picture of my garden though!

**Haru Okumura** : Also, he finally has accepted some vegetables. Yusuke and I are officially best friends!

**Akira Kurusu** : You’re married

**Haru Okumura** : Yes but vegetables are the final test of friendship! Marriage is binding but cucumbers are eternal!

**Akira Kurusu** : Have you seen Yusuke try to eat a cucumber

**Haru Okumura** : He tried to peel it like a banana..

**Akira Kurusu** : I love him so much

**Haru Okumura** : I saw him bite into a lemon like an apple. 

**Akira Kurusu** : I  _ know _ he’s perfect I love him 

**Akira Kurusu** : I mean, just because he acts a little different doesn’t mean he’s bad

**Haru Okumura** : I wholeheartedly agree! Strange habits or not he is still one of my greatest friends!

**Akira Kurusu** : Like Futaba said, he may be a broke lankey hungry boy, but I’ll be damned if hes not our broke lankey hungry friend

**Haru Okumura** : And your broke lankey hungry boy-friend!

**Akira Kurusu** : And your temporary broke lankey hungry husband.

**Akira Kurusu** : That reminds me, what was it that gave you this idea? It was something Makoto said right

**Haru Okumura** : Ah, I apologize for not explaining it sooner.

**Haru Okumura** : It was when Makoto made sure I didn’t feel bad for not being able to help Yusuke. I felt so grateful to have her, and to have all of you. 

**Haru Okumura** : And I remembered how if it wasn’t for everyone, I would probably be miserable right now. You’ve all been there for each other when you needed it most, and you were all there for me too. And I wanted to be there for my friends as well!

**Haru Okumura** : It feels nice to have someone to be there for you, and that someone could be a friend or a loved one or even seven magic criminals and a talking cat!

**Haru Okumura** : After all, the real phantom thieves are the friends we made along the way~

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok first of all I cant believe you managed to work a fucking  _ friends we made along the way _ joke into your friendship monologue 

**Akira Kurusu** : But also, I wanted to thank you again

**Akira Kurusu** : For making sure Yusuke doesn’t starve

**Akira Kurusu** : We’re both lucky to have a friend like you

**Haru Okumura** : Thats very sweet of you to say!

**Haru Okumura** : Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear Yusuke yelling and I should probably check on him.

**Haru Okumura** : He  _ may _ or may not have accidentally locked himself in the bathroom.

**Akira Kurusu** : Yeah youre probably gonna wanna get him out of there

**Akira Kurusu** : See you, Baroque buddy

**Haru Okumura** : You too, my Edwardian friend!

**Haru Okumura:** … there are no words for friend that start with “e” but you knew what I had meant!

**Haru Okumura (@oneforall)** has closed the chatroom

  
  



	7. In which two Recently Married Criminals can't Find Their way Around a Super Store

**Futaba Sakura** : ding dong ding dong it's almost divorce day!!

**Ann Takamaki** : how many days has it been??? 3??

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Four, if you count the date of the ceremony. 

**Haru Okumura** : That would make today the fifth!

**Futaba Sakura** : sooo todays the last day

**Futaba Sakura** : did you take inari shopping yet

**Haru Okumura** : Funny you mention that, we just got off the train and are on our way to the store.

**Ann Takamaki** : Where are u??

**Haru Okumura** : Remember the superstore I mentioned? We’re in that town.

**Haru Okumura** : It's remarkably foggy here.

**Akira Kurusu** : “A perfect day for Mementos” -Mogranas

**Akira Kurusu** : *Morgana

**Ryuji Sakamato** : pffft Mogranas

**Akira Kurusu** : Shush

**Futaba Sakura** : mmmmmmm mogranas

**Akira Kurusu** : STOP

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Mogranas.

**Akira Kurusu** : YUSUKE

**Akira Kurusu** : This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I got arrested once

**Ann Takamaki** : morgana said it too didnt he?

**Akira Kurusu** : … 

**Akira Kurusu** : My cat wants me to suffer

**Ann Takamaki** : as all cats do

**Makoto Nijima** : Have you arrived at the super store yet?

**Haru Okumura** : Yes we have! It's a small town so it wasn’t hard to find.

**Haru Okumura** : I nearly had to drag Yusuke away from a hot spring inn though.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : It fit my aesthetics. It was destiny that we stumbled upon it.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : haha you gonna take a hot bath Yusuke

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I bathed before we left.

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : no like i mean

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : like you gonna take a bath warmed from the bottom

**Futaba Sakura** : FUCKIGN

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : ?

**Akira Kurusu** : Goemon bath, Yusuke

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Ah.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : In that case, are you going to go get hanged off a dock, Ryuji?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : DUDE

**Yusuke**   **Kitagawa** : I thought that was the joke.

**Futaba Sakura** : haha you gonna go get stoned makoto

**Futaba Sakura** : WAIT THAT CAME OUT WRIONG 

**Futaba Sakura** : you gonna go be a major religious leader makoto

**Makoto Nijima** : I am still not the Pope.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I thought Ryuji was the stoner?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : D U D E 

**Haru Okumura** : I look away from my phone for a moment and now Mako-chan and Ryuji are getting stoned with the Pope?

**Futaba Sakura** : AHRU IM SCREAMIGN 

**Haru Okumura** : Oh dear.

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke, where are you?

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : you lost him already???

**Akira Kurusu** : Is there a lobster tank? Check the lobster tank

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I am at the lobster tank.

**Futaba Sakura** : jesus what are you guys in a mall or a whole foods

**Ann Takamaki** : wtf is a whole foods

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke are you on the other side of the store?

**Haru Okumura** : How did you get there so fast?? I looked away for only a moment.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I have made a wonderful discovery!

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : They have art supplies here.

**Haru Okumura** : What floor are you on???

**Futaba Sakura** : look for the bear guy maybe he can help

**Haru Okumura** : There is no bear????

**Akira Kurusu** : Should I get on the next train to meet you guys?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : PAINTS ON SALE.

**Ann Takamaki** : i think thats the first time hes used all caps :/

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : just do one of those lost child announcements or smth

**Ann Takamaki** : we only do those when u get lost

**Ann Takamaki** : remember u kept running off in destinyland so we had to put u on a child leash 

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke be nice to your wife

**Akira Kurusu** : Don’t leave her alone the bear superstore 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I think I am lost.

**Makoto Nijima** : Describe your surroundings

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Gas station.

**Haru Okumura** : WHAT

**Haru Okumura** : Ah that was impolite of me.

**Haru Okumura:** What!

**Akira Kurusu** : Is there anyone nearby?

**Akira Kurusu** : Try asking for directions

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Alright. 

**Makoto Nijima** : Haru are you ok?

**Haru Okumura** : I've been standing in this isle for some time now…

**Futaba Sakura** : ooh ohh !! can you get me a picture of the bear ??

**Haru Okumura** : I suppose I can ask an employee where he is.

**Futaba Sakura** : nice!!!

**Haru Okumura** : Ok, I managed to ask someone about the bear and something strange happened.

**Haru Okumura** : He looked off wistfully and said, “I knew a bear, once.” Then muttered something about tvs and walked away.

**Akira Kurusu** : Huh. Weird

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I am now returning to the store.

**Haru Okumura** : Oh you got directions?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Yes, from a very sturdy young man.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : However, as I was leaving I believe I may have heard Goemon speak to me from within myself.

**Ann Takamaki** : what did he say :o

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : “Same arcana!”

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Then the man looked back at me inquisitively and mouthed the word  _ “really?”  _

**Akira Kurusu** : That's weird too

**Akira Kurusu** : Maybe I should go astral project into prison again

**Makoto Nijima** : I'm sorry  **what** .

**Akira Kurusu** : Oh sorry I forgot you guys don't see the long nosed man in your dreams.

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke are you close?

**Haru Okumura** : They've been playing this song for… a very long time…

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : That inn..

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke!

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : has a most spectacular design.

**Akira Kurusu** : That's it I'm getting on the next train to

**Akira Kurusu** : wherever you are.

**Akira Kurusu** : Ryuji wanna come with me

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : hell yeah i do!!!

**Haru Okumura** : Really everything's fine!

**Haru Okumura** : I can try to shop while I wait for Yusuke..

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I am lost again.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : It is very foggy.

**Haru Okumura** : Akira, I apologize for asking, but could you please..

**Akira Kurusu** : Don't worry about it, pm me the town I'll be on my way

**Akira Kurusu** : Ryuji go out your train shoes on

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : eff yeah we’re going to the bear store!!!

**Haru Okumura** : There are no bears!!

**Makoto Nijima** : May I tag along as well?

**Akira Kurusu** : Sure why not

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke try not to go anywhere

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : In front of the inn I shall remain.

**Makoto Nijima** : Are you ok staying in the store Haru?

**Haru Okumura** : Everydays great at your..

**Haru Okumura** : Ah sorry, this song is getting to me.

**Haru Okumura** : Yes I'm fine! It would be an issue if I got lost outside in the fog. 

**Futaba Sakura** : ann and i are on standby for when you guys inevitably get lost in the fog too

**Ann Takamaki** : who do we call if we get lost after them

**Akira Kurusu** : If everyone's lost I'm calling my emergency contact.

**Futaba Sakura** : Sojiro?

**Akira Kurusu** : Lala Escargot. 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I believe I almost got hit by a car.

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok let's move fast

**Futaba Sakura** : Mission start! Save everyone from mildly inconvenient weather!!

  
  
  
  



	8. Please don't sue him, the Beansprouts are all he Has

**Akira Kurusu** : WHAT TEAM

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : WILDCATS

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Wild Cats. 

**Ann Takamaki** : wildmonas!!!

**Futaba Sakura (@alibabashook)** has changed the chat name to  **MCFUCKING WILDCATS**

**Akira Kurusu** : All the late night regulars seem to be online as usual

**Akira Kurusu** : Except Yusuke what are you doing up 

**Yusuke Kitgawa** : I am working on the painting of Haru’s garden.

**Ann Takamaki** : its 3 am

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I was struck with the urge to create, and I must heed to the canvas’ call no matter the hour.

**Futaba Sakura** : art hoe strikes again 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : dude 3 ams the time for bein a teen 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : go scream or smth live a little

**Haru Okumura** **(@oneforall)** is online

**Haru Okumura** : Forgive me for messaging you all so late at night but I’m really worried.

**Haru Okumura** : I think I hear someone screaming on my roof..

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : I DIDNT MEAN LITETRALLY

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke get off of Harus roof 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : There is an angle I can only achieve from this height.

**Haru Okumura** : How did you get up there again? 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I used a ladder.

**Haru Okumura** : But we never found the ladder after the last time you climbed up there.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Then who's ladder did I use?

**Futaba Sakura** : i stay up for memes not inaris ladder drama

**Futaba Sakura** : haru i can't believe you've lived with him this long

**Haru Okumura** : My days are filled with excitement when he is around! 

**Futaba Sakura** : translation: HELP

**Ann Takamaki** : aren't u guys getting the divorce soon :o

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : theyve prolly had enough of the marriage experience after yesterday 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : We should return to that town sometime. The inn seemed truely exquisite. 

**Akira Kurusu** : I vote we only go back if theres no fog 

**Akira Kurusu** : It took eight phantom thieves four hours to find each other in a tiny foggy town

**Futaba Sakura** : but ann and i saw the bear man soooooooooo

**Ann Takamaki** : he gave me his number,,,

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : ha furry 

**Ann Takamaki** : god for the last time im not a furry !!!

**Akira Kurusu** : Well your thief name is panther

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : and morganas pretty crazy about you

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : What is a “furry”?

**Futaba Sakura** : WELL

**Akira Kurusu** : FUTABA DONT

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : ya know Morgana? that

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : that's a furry

**Akira Kurusu** : The second you sent that he woke up, glared at me, then went back sleep

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke please come down from the roof I'll make some tea.

**Makoto Nijima (@truthonwheels)** is online

**Makoto Nijima** : Is Haru awake? I felt like Haru was awake

**Haru Okumura** : Yes I am awake!

**Makoto Nijima** : Its really late you all should go to sleep

**Futaba Sakura** : mona much?

**Makoto Nijima** : I just think it would be wise to go to bed now, Yusuke and Haru have a big day tomorrow

**Ann Takamaki** : what do u mean nyakoto 

**Makoto Nijima** : What Did You Call Me

**Haru Okumura** : We are getting our divorce tomorrow !

**Futaba Sakura** : THANK GOD

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Makoto, you have some knowledge of the law. Would you happen to know anything about divorce? I don't know much on the subject.

**Haru Okumura** : Im sorry to admit that I am a bit fuzzy on the details of divorce as well. Could you help us Mako-chan?

**Makoto Nijima** : I know a bit after the incident with sis’s briefcase

**Makoto Nijima** : There are four types of divorce, but it mostly depends on whether or not you'd like to take this to court

**Akira Kurusu** : Haru please don't sue my boyfriend 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : please don't sue my boyfriend’s boyfriend

**Ann Takamaki** : pls haru wouldn't get anything out of suing yusuke unless she wants to take all his beansprouts

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Please… not my beansprouts…

**Haru Okumura** : Perhaps beansprouts are a concept..? (Did I do that right?)

**Futaba Sakura** : i thought the goal was to get him to eat something other than beansprouts 

**Haru Okumura** : Ah that is a good point..

**Akira Kurusu** : Wait no he needs his beansprouts trust me on this 

**Akira Kurusu** : Even if you take them from him he still has some somewhere right Yusuke?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I keep some in my shirt at all times. 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : HOW DO THEY STAY

**Futaba Sakura** : huh inari has more titty power than i thought

**Futaba Sakura** : you got some competition ann 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : compeTITion 

**Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** has been banned from the chat

**Ann Takamaki** : GOOD 

 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Titty power….

**Makoto Nijima** : I take it you don't want to take this to family court

**Haru Okumura** : That's..

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Neither of us have any family. 

**Akira Kurusu** : Untrue

**Ann Takamaki** : you have all of us !!!

**Makoto Nijima** : I don't think we count legally

**Akira Kurusu** : Can we take this to persona court instead?

**Haru Okumura** : Are the personas the judges or the lawyers?

**Futaba Sakura** : no vaping in court goemon cant go

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : What is “vaping” and why is Goemon doing it?

**Ann Takamaki** : and with that yusuke has transcended to grandpa friend

**Akira Kurusu** : Futaba can you bring Ryuji back now

**Futaba Sakura** : fine

**Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** has been un-banned from the chat

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : YUSUKE KITAGRANDPA

**Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** has been banned from the chat

**Futaba Sakura** : i didn't even do that

**Akira Kurusu** : I did 

**Akira Kurusu** : He needs to think about what he's done. 

**Ann Takamaki** : this this is why we don't legally count as a family

**Haru Okumura** : There must be a type of divorce that doesn't involve going to court court.

**Makoto Nijima** : That is the fourth option: kyogi rikon, divorce based on mutual agreement.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : That sounds like the best option.

**Futaba Sakura** : can i get a fuckin uuuuhhuhuhhHhhhHhhhhuUhhuuhhh number four divorce 

**Ann Takamaki** : hold the lawyers

**Akira Kurusu** : Divorce machine broke

**Futaba Sakura** : this!!! these are the memes i stay up for!!!

**Akira Kurusu** : Its weird to meme without Ryuji 

**Akira Kurusu** : I miss my meme husband 

**Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** has been un-banned from the chat

**Ann Takamaki** : think before u speak this time

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : fine god 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : this wouldn't happen if we were an actual bible study group 

**Akira Kurusu** : Love you

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : loveyoutoo

**Akira Kurusu** : And Yusuke, love you

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : To you as well.

**Futaba Sakura** : i'm feelin the love in this hell groupchat tonight

**Futaba Sakura** : good thing theres gonna be a divorce to balance it all out

**Akira Kurusu** : Oh that reminds me

**Akira Kurusu** : Are you two going to stage a fight before you get a divorce?

**Haru Okumura** : That was in our plan originally, but I realized no one aside from those in the group chat know about our marriage so there isn’t really a reason to.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : There is no point in faking a strained marriage for those who do not know we are married.

**Makoto Nijima** : Both of you are going to have to go to the courthouse in order to get a divorce, so you might be wrong

**Makoto Nijima** : It would be questionable if you two seemed to be getting along well enough to get married and be seemingly happy only to get a divorce a week later

**Haru Okumura** : So by staging a fight we would be a more believable candidate for divorce?

**Akira Kurusu** : Also it would get you in the right mindset for it

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : also it would be hella funny to watch

**Haru Okumura** : What are your thoughts, Yusuke?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I believe it sounds a bit like method acting, which in it's own way is a form of art. 

**Futaba Sakura** : yeah i'm never changing your url back

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I am in favor of staging an argument. 

**Haru Okumura** : Alright, in that case we better discuss the details.

**Akira Kurusu** : Shit if you’re gonna do that you better do it in person MORGANAS UP EVERYONE GO TO BED NOW 

**Haru Okumura** : But Yusukes still on the roof !

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : It's fine I’ve slept up here before.

**Akira Kurusu** : CATS GONNA KILL ME 

**Akira Kurusu** : GOOD LUCK ON FAKE HATING EACH OTHER TOMORROW GOODNIGHT

  
  



	9. A Boy, a Girl, and their Fake Fight

**Akira Kurusu (@maxcharm)** has created a chat with **Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** , **Futaba Sakura (@alibabashook)** and **Ann Takamaki** **(@noturwaifu)**

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : yoooooooooo whats this

**Futaba Sakura** : *OwO

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : yOwOooooo

**Ann Takamaki (@noturwaifu)** has left the chat

**Futaba Sakura** : RYUJI

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : you OwOed first ??????

**Ann Takamaki (@noturwaifu)** has been added to the chat

**Akira Kurusu** : New rule no one OwO

**Ann Takamaki** : pls 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : ok but like for real what's the chat for

**Akira Kurusu** : Liveblogging the divorce fight 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : THANK YOU

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : Goddd i wanted to see how this was gonna go down

**Ann Takamaki** : wait why r u there 

**Akira Kurusu** : Makoto and I came for moral support

**Akira Kurusu** : And to help out when this inevitably goes south

**Futaba Sakura** : lets place some bets and make this interesting 

**Futaba Sakura** : 500 yen says haru snaps and slaps him

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : 500 says that slap is a punch 

**Futaba Sakura** : oooooooh youre on 

**Akira Kurusu** : Hopefully neither of those will happen

**Akira Kurusu** : We’re pretty close to the courthouse so

**Ann Takamaki** : but what if akechi walks by??

**Akira Kurusu** : He won't

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : why dont you put a little money on that

**Ann Takamaki** : what abouuuut loser has to listen to yusuke talk about the difference between lyrical abstraction and abstract expressionism 

**Akira Kurusu** : Deal

**Futaba Sakura** : boo bad stakes 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : i dont know what those words mean and my head hurts 

**Ann Takamaki** : trust me its worse in person 

**Ann Takamaki** : remember when yusuke wanted to paint me nude ?? he was either completely silent or yelling about impressionism 

**Futaba Sakura** : when yusuke wanted to do WHAT NOW

**Akira Kurusu** : We never told you about the time Yusuke jumped out of a moving car and followed Ann and asked to paint her naked?

**Futaba Sakura** : NO HOLY FUCK

**Akira Kurusu** : Well that's how we met him, now you know

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : ann tell her about the time you had to strip for him 

**Akira Kurusu** : With every article of clothing you own

**Futaba Sakura** : IM SCREAMIGN WHAT

**Ann Takamaki** : HEY WOW HAS THE FIGHT STARTED YET

**Akira Kurusu** : Not yet but probably soon 

**Akira Kurusu** : They're here

**Akira Kurusu** : Oh my god they're holding hands

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : god

**Futaba Sakura** : on a scale of 1-10 how uncomfortable does haru look

**Akira Kurusu** : Like a solid 11 she looks like she wants to die but she's smiling through it

**Akira Kurusu** : His hands are really cold she probably didn't know that

**Futaba Sakura** : is it bc he uses ice moves

**Ann Takamaki** : my hands are pretty warm so

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : well then I guess if anyone held hands with me it'd be pretty

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : SHOCKING

**Futaba Sakura** : can makoto high five me so i die of nuclear exposure 

**Ann Takamaki** : please akira stop him with ur curse hands 

**Akira Kurusu** : You've heard of mamudo now get ready for hex hug

******Futaba Sakura** : can we make inaris new thief name artboy clammyhands 

**Akira Kurusu** : Hey his hands may be clammy but they're still the clammy hands of my boyfriend 

**Futaba Sakura** : you've been hit by

**Futaba Sakura** : you've been struck by

**Futaba Sakura** : art _ boy _ clammyhands 

**Akira Kurusu** : wait wait 

**Akira Kurusu** : the fights starting

**Futaba Sakura** : ooh gotta get some popcorn

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusukes yelling they just started

**Akira Kurusu** : Harus low key trying to get him to lower his voice but she's also trying to continue the fight but she just looks scared

**Akira Kurusu** : God she called him a gold digger

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : shes already breaking out the roasts

**Akira Kurusu** : People are looking 

**Ann Takamaki** : its been like a minute

**Akira Kurusu** : He's making really rapid arm movements I think people think he's trying to hit her

**Futaba Sakura** : “Its ok folks nothing to see here he juuust poses a lot”

**Akira Kurusu** : He called her a cougar

**Akira Kurusu** : She looks very confused 

**Akira Kurusu** : I don't think Yusuke knows what cougar means

**Ann Takamaki** : did they rehearse any of this ??

**Akira Kurusu** : Maybe?

**Akira Kurusu** : They probably planned some of it out 

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok Yusuke just said a word I didn't understand and now Haru actually looks mad

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : holy eff i've only seen Haru get mad like once 

**Akira Kurusu** : I think she's shaking 

**Akira Kurusu** : Jesus she called him an “inutile leach” 

**Ann Takamaki** : i googled that word and damn she's not holding back 

**Akira Kurusu** : She stuttered a little bit I think she feels bad

**Akira Kurusu** : I can see Makoto from here she looks like she's about to get up

**Futaba Sakura** : it hasn't even been five minutes let them fight!!!

**Akira Kurusu** : I shook my head at her and she sat back down but she did the “got my eye on you” fingers 

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok Yusukes taking some artistic liberties and is now accusing her of having an affair 

**Akira Kurusu** : Harus definitely shaking

**Akira Kurusu** : I don't think she was prepared for how dramatic Yusuke is

**Akira Kurusu** : Now she's trying to improv a story about him working for some other fast food company and he only married her to get Big Bang Burger secrets 

**Futaba Sakura** : inari? get a job???? that makes less sense than haru having an affair 

**Akira Kurusu** : OH SHIT

**Akira Kurusu** : Ann you won the bet

**Ann Takamaki** : nice

**Ann Takamaki** : WAIT 

**Akira Kurusu** : We got a code pancakes 

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : AKECHIS THERE????

**Akira Kurusu** : He sees them fighting oh god

**Futaba Sakura** : he cant arrest them can he?????

**Akira Kurusu** : Can detectives arrest people? 

**Ann Takamaki** : go distract him before we find out the hard way!!

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : Akira as your boyfriend I give you permission to slap his ass

**Akira Kurusu** : THEN ID GET ARRESTED 

**Futaba Sakura** : idk a distractions a distraction

**Akira Kurusu** : Id probably go to jail

**Futaba Sakura** : a distractions 

**Futaba Sakura** : a distraction 

**Ann Takamaki** : nows not the time for ass slapping !!!

**Akira Kurusu** : He took out his phone 

**Akira Kurusu** : HES RECORDING THR FIGHT

**Futaba Sakura** : SLAP IT QUICK 

**Futaba Sakura** : 1-800 ARE YOU SLAPPING THE DETECTIVES ASS

**Akira Kurusu** : IM NOT DOING THAT

**Akira Kurusu** : Morgana just jumped out of my bag he said he had a plan

**Akira Kurusu** : I'm worried

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : I guess the

**Futaba Sakura** : dont you dare

**Ryuji Sakamoto** : CATS OUT OF THE BAG

**Ryuji Sakamoto (@captainkek)** has changed his name to  **SHUT THE FUCK OFF**

**Futaba Sakura** : dammit typo

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : W H Y

**Akira Kurusu** : I think Morganas gonna try to take his phone

**Akira Kurusu** : NEVER MIND MORGANA BIT HIM

**Ann Takamaki** : im gonna cry

**Futaba Sakura** : i guess thats  a distraction 

**Akira Kurusu** : He yelled really loud it startled Haru 

**Akira Kurusu** : Akechis struggling to keep calm but he looks pissed

**Akira Kurusu** : Makoto just mouthed “WHAT DID YOU DO” at me

**Akira Kurusu** : He's going back into the courthouse ok I think we’re clear

**Futaba Sakura** : akechi gone, fights on

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : can I have my name back now

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke and Haru look less on guard now that Akechis gone

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke put his focus right back into big words I don't know

**Akira Kurusu** : He called Haru something really edgy sounding and she gasped

**Akira Kurusu** : Makoto gasped too they both look really mad

**Ann Takamaki** : yikes

**Futaba**   **Sakura** : haru mad twice in one day??? wow this really was a once in a lifetime experience 

**Akira Kurusu** : HARU SLAPPED HIM

**Futaba Sakura** : RYUJI 500 YEN

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : GDO DAMMIT

**Akira Kurusu** : Guys he's bleeding 

**Futaba Sakura** : mewhehe once again oracle comes out on top of the bet 

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : eff i was so sure she was gonna punch him 

**Akira Kurusu** : He's on the ground now

**Ann Takamaki** : shed probably knock his teeth out if she punched him

**Ann Takamaki** : like the girl carries around a battle axe those things are heavy 

**Futaba Sakura** : i cant believe haru snapped inari in half 

**Akira Kurusu** : I think she broke his nose

**Akira Kurusu** : Makoto just walked in, picked Haru up, and walked away

**Akira Kurusu** : I don't think they're getting their divorce right now

**Ann Takamaki** : rip 

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok I'm gonna take Yusuke to the hospital can someone ask Haru if she has health insurance 

**Futaba Sakura** : what are you gonna say when you get to the hospital

**Futaba Sakura** : “hi this is my boyfriend his wife broke his nose but her girlfriend ran off with her so shes not here but we're using her health insurance” 

**Akira Kurusu** : That's exactly what I'm going to say

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok I'm gonna go before Yusuke bleeds out

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : see you space thief

**Futaba Sakura** : yeah youre not getting your name back


	10. How far he's Come, and how he goes Even Farther (Into The Neighbors House)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the final chapter! Thank you so much for reading, your comments were all amazing and I'm just so glad you liked it.  
> Theres a pretty good chance I'll write a little prequel, so keep and eye out!  
> Thank you again!

**Futaba Sakura** : wow what a great morning 

**Futaba Sakura** : the sun is shining

**Futaba Sakura** : the birds are singing

**Futaba Sakura** : and haru decked inari in the nose 

**Haru Okumura** : I'm so sorry! It was an impulse !!

**Ann Takamaki** : ur first impulse is to punch a guy in the nose???

**Makoto Nijima** : I taught her well

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : okkkk remind me not to piss off Haru 

**Haru Okumura** : Actually my first impulse was to kick him.

**Haru Okumura** : But I was worried I would have… broken something else…

**Futaba Sakura** : I CANT BEKIEVE HARU ALMOST KICKED HIS DICK OFF

**Akira Kurusu** : Futaba language

**Futaba Sakura** : >:(

**Ann Takamaki** : where is yusuke anyway 

**Haru Okumura** : He's resting in a guest room. 

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : hes still at your house??? 

**Ann Takamaki** : hes probably just staying with her until they get a divorce for real

**Haru Okumura** : Oh no, we’re divorced!

**Futaba Sakura** : did you get divorced in the HOSPITAL 

**Haru Okumura** : Well, while Yusuke was getting X-rayed Akira and I returned to the courthouse. He pretended to be Yusuke and now the divorce is on paper.

**Akira Kurusu** : I had to borrow shoes from Lala to be tall enough 

**Akira Kurusu** : I mean, they were high heels but my legs looked great

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : dude

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : pics

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** :  _ now _

**Futaba Sakura** : once again the day is saved thanks to IDENTITY THEFT

**Ann Takamaki** : do u think yusukes gonna have to get plastic surgery

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : As I am no longer married to Haru, I doubt I could afford it.

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke you're supposed to be elevating your head!

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I have been struck with the urge to paint, and must act before my muse leaves me.

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke please go back to your room before you get blood all over the tile. 

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : whats black n white n red all over

**Ann Takamaki** : wat

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : HARUS FLOOR

**Ann Takamaki** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I seem to have misplaced my brushes. 

**Haru Okumura** : Oh dear, I guess that means you'll have to go back to bed.

**Yusuke Kitagawa (@arthoe)** has been removed from the chat

**Akira Kurusu** : Where did you hide his brushes

**Haru Okumura** : They're in my hair. 

**Akira Kurusu** : Ok good I trust your hair

**Yusuke Kitagawa (@arthoe) has been added to the chat**

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : What happened?

**Futaba Sakura** : mona swallowed akiras phone and hit a button that removed you from the chat ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Is Morgana alright? 

**Akira Kurusu** : Yusuke she's messing with you.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I see.

**Ann Takamaki** : cats eat weird stuff all the time has morgana ever??

**Akira Kurusu** : “Just because I have the body of a cat doesn't mean I have the brain of one!” -Morgana

**Akira Kurusu** : Yeah I don't think he'd accidentally eat something inedible 

**Akira Kurusu** : However, he  _ did _ swallow the key to unlock the cafe on purpose after Sojiro left once

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : why

**Akira Kurusu** : So I'd go to bed 

**Futaba Sakura** : mood 

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke, would you happen to be trying to find the garage?

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : How did you know?

**Haru Okumura** : There's a trail of blood in your wake. 

**Haru Okumura** : There is no ladder in the garage, please go rest !

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I never said I was looking for a ladder…

**SHUT THE HELL OFF** : are you sure about that. 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : …. Who is “Shut the Fuck Off” 

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : im SHUT THE FUCK OFF

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : ?????

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : i mean im SHUT THE FUCK OFF

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : IM SHUT THE FUCK OFF DAMMIT

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : WHAT THE EFF

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Oh, it's Ryuji. 

**Futaba Sakura** : mwehehe i love messing with peoples autocorrect 

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : SHUT THE FUCK OFF

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA **AAAAAAAAAAAA**

**Akira Kurusu** : I can have Morgana come tell him to go to bed that'd probably work

**Haru Okumura** : I wouldn't want to trouble you!

**Haru Okumura** : I don't wish to use force on my friends, but I will if I must. 

**Ann Takamaki** : ooooh yusuke u better run shes coming for u 

**Futaba Sakura** : AXE AXE AXE AXE AXE AXE AXE

**Haru Okumura** : Bringing my axe out might be a bit much..

**Futaba Sakura** : the axe is never too much

**Makoto Nijima** : Strategically, it would probably better not to use your axe in this situation. It limits your movement

**Makoto Nijima** : It would be much harder to chase him while carrying it

**Haru Okumura** : Ah, thats a good point Mako-chan!

**Makoto Nijima** : I’d say your grenade launcher would work much better

**Makoto Nijima** : But thats just in terms of strategy

**Makoto Nijima** : Please, don’t blow up your ex husband

**Futaba Sakura** : BLOW UP YOUR EX HUSBAND

**Akira Kurusu** : Please don’t shoot yusuke

**Haru Okumura** : I’m not going to shoot Yusuke!

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Haru, I never noticed how large your house is. 

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : The decor is very stylish, mid-century modern was a good choice.

**Haru Okumura** : Mid-century modern? All our furniture is contemporary.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : The rug in the living room is definitely mid-century modern.

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke the living room doesn’t have a rug, it's tile.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Ah, I see.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I believe I am no longer in your house.

**Futaba Sakura** : ART HOE STRIKES AGAIN 

**Ann Takamaki** : yusuke would be a good magician

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : he wouldnt even have to do anything the audience blinks hes gone

**Ann Takamaki** : where he go?? who knows!!

**Futaba Sakura** : wherever theres paint on sale

**Haru Okumura** : …

**Ann Takamaki** : yall broke haru 

**Haru Okumura** : Yusuke.

**Haru Okumura** : Please go back to your guest room, or I cannot promise the safety of your art supplies :)

**Futaba Sakura** : OOH HARU BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : ...Understood.

**Makoto Nijima** : I'm so proud

**Ann Takamaki** : hey ive got a coupon for that crepe place why dont we all go to celebrate the divorce

**Ann Takamaki** : and apparently breaking and entering

**Makoto Nijima** : Sounds fun, I’ll come

**Futaba Sakura** : FUTABAS GONNA GET HER CREPE ON TONIGHT

**Akira Kurusu** : I dont like crepes

**SHUT THE FUCK OFF** : im down

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : I am as well.

**Akira Kurusu** : I am suddenly able to tolerate crepes

**Ann Takamaki** : what about u haru

**Akira Kurusu** : It's not a party without the bride 

**Haru Okumura** : Of course I’ll come!

**Haru Okumura** : But Yusuke has to bring an icepack. We may no longer be married but that doesn’t I’m going to his nose fall off.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Could it really fall off?

**Futaba Sakura** : WHO KNOWS

**Futaba Sakura** : GET A MOVE ON THOTS ITS CREPE TIME

**Akira Kurusu** : I just realized we’re probably going to the crepe place Yusuke was staring at a week ago.

**Yusuke Kitagawa** : Ah yes, it seems so much longer.

**Makoto Nijima** : A marriage, a shopping trip, a fight, and a divorce

**Akira Kurusu** : And to think, it all started with a crepe stand.


End file.
